Him...

I read something the other day about a couple that split because the depression was too much for one of them to deal with. It made me think about my spiral into the anxiety filled depression after I had my daughter.

I was experiencing things I had no idea how to deal with. He never left though. I tried to break up with him at least once a week for six months. He stayed. The days I would just stare out the window, he was there to take care of The Bug. Those days when I could barely manage to pull myself out of the bed, he was there to cook, clean, and lay with me. He smiled and hugged me everyday…even on those highly volatile days.

We fought, yelled, cursed, and screamed. He never left though.

Everyday was filled with hugs, kisses, and words of encouragement. 

“We will get through this together. You didn’t leave me when things got tough for me. I’m not going anywhere. If we have to yell, curse, and fight everyday, I will be here to get you through this.”

So when someone pulls a Kim K. on the person they supposedly love so much, I wonder just how much they really loved them. It IS difficult but if ALL of us just want to be loved, why wouldn’t love be enough here?

Before my post partum nightmare, I would often describe him as the most selfish person I had ever met. His selfishness, due to being an only child. The time, emotional strength, and sacrifices he made to stay by my side are priceless though. Sometimes I feel like I owe my life to him because if I had been alone, The Bug might not have a mommy right now.

When I felt like I had no one to understand, it was him who helped me without any judgment. Our relationship might not be the conventional, traditional portrait that others are used to but it works for us. I would not have wanted to experience this with anyone other than him.

The most selfish person in my world turned out to be the most giving…he solidified a spot in my heart and life that was a revolving door. He encompassed what I have always believed a best friend should be. He loved me when I was at my most unlovable.

While people grow apart everyday, THIS is why no one could ever take his place. Regardless of us staying in a romantic relationship, he will always be the greatest love of my life…

Vulnerability

It is something I HATE working on but I still do it.

I do not like intentionally letting people know what hurts me the most. Being taken advantage of is not the business. However, I do not build walls to see who will tear them down. I would be expecting far more from others than I would be giving.

It is not fair for me to punish people who WANT to know me because someone else did not amount to shit. I have grown to accept that it IS a part of life. People come and go. Learning how to let go is sometimes the difficult part. Not, refusing to feel. That is only a mind game we play with ourselves.

We eventually lose and that is when it hurts even more. That game will wear anyone out. Leaving us in a “why me” state of mind. Why you? Why not? Sometimes we get these thoughts in our heads that we are above normal human being stuff. I attribute it mainly to ego. 

How we bounce back from effed up shat and people, is the determining factor of how well we deal with LIFE. There are some things I have not bounced back from. I acknowledge them when they come up. One day, I will get over them. Until then, I allow myself vulnerable moments. I write.

Life...and Where It Is Taking Me

I said that I was going to do better about posting to this blog...it hasn't happened yet. I spend SO much time on tumblr that I forget to update Blogger. There is a certain level of calm on that website that I no longer felt I had over here. There are several people who I KNOW have access to this blog so that is why I don't post here as frequently anymore. Sometimes I want to just get things off of my chest, free of judgment from those I care about. I wanted to write freely without everyone and their mama thinking I was writing about THEM.

However, since I am making MORE of a conscious effort to make certain life adjustments, I am choosing to get over that shat. There are some things that I changed about myself, in an effort to get along better with those I loved and called "friend". However, those adjustments were made for people who weren't too willing to do the same. I have a TOTALLY different perspective when it comes to...humanity. 

My initial views might have come across as me being naive and gullible. I'm a person who operates on face value, most of the time. However, there are a LOT of people who leave a LOT of things "hidden" about themselves. I've never believed that I should have to dig you out of your shell. Either you're going to be your TRUE self around me, or you're not. If it comes to my attention that you're a fraud at life, then you have to go. My tolerance for humankind has limits now....

That tolerance is not in reference to personal life choices people make. That tolerance is in reference to how much I will let slide, AS IT PERTAINS TO HOW I AM TREATED. I don't desire to be around adults that behave like children. Since we ARE adults, I will expect EVERYONE who CHOOSES to interact with me, TO ACT LIKE IT. If you can't, that's fine. We just won't be close. And...no one is grandfathered in. I don't care if we have been cool for 15 years...when the tantrums, brattiness, and selfishness appears, I'm saying something IMMEDIATELY. If someone doesn't like it, too bad; we don't have to stay friends.

Life has ALWAYS taken me on some GREAT adventures. Some of them have been invigorating and enjoyable, while others have seemed like pages out of Dante's Inferno. Either way, they have ALL been learning experiences. I feel like I've matured in certain areas where I don't have to KEEP learning the same thing. I got it, it's all good, and it's time to learn some new shat.

I'm currently looking forward to processing different things AND people. So here's to life and where it's taking me!

about Amber and Ann...

Yesterday, I sat down and talked to two other mothers who experienced Post Partum Depression and Post Partum Anxiety. We talked for almost 2 hours about the women we were before pregnancy, the women we became after having the baby, and the women we wanted to ultimately become. The entire time I talked to them, I could not help feeling a slight tinge of sadness that I had to find comfort from the ears of strangers…versus those who I had grown close to over the years.

It felt good to REALLY know that there are some women who have gone through EXACTLY what I have experienced in the last couple of years. I have read several accounts of women with PPD and my mother shared her experience with me. However, these women were sitting right across from me…and this has made a huge difference. They never assumed I was going to kill my daughter or that I even harbored those feelings. They were compassionate and empathetic. It was more of a relief and it actually helped.

This morning, a young lady tweeted how we are taught to take care of ourselves physically but most of us are not taught anything in regards to mental health. It is very true in my case.

I can still hear my father telling me, “No one really likes a stupid girl so that is why intelligence is so important.” So being smart was his focus. My mother was intent on teaching me all of the things that would allow me to be a good mate to someone one day (cooking, cleaning, submission, etc.). In the midst of ALL that teaching, never once did my parents teach me or my siblings how to deal with our “demons”. I honestly believe it was because they did not how to deal with their own.

After talking to Amber and Ann, it solidified my decision to educate my daughter about mental health. Just as eating McDonald’s everyday will ultimately lead to debilitating health, so will not releasing her emotions in a healthy way. I was taught not to cry, even when I was in physical pain. This taught me how to have a high tolerance to physical pain. I adopted the same attitude when it came to my mental health too…because my parents were not too keen on fully discussing how we felt either. At 31, I know that this has not helped me AT ALL.

Listening to Amber and Ann express how important it was for their children to be okay with how they felt, let me know I am not the only parent who obsesses about wanting the best, ACROSS THE BOARD, for their child. I do not want my daughter to ever feel like she has no one to go to. My parents live thousands of miles from me, as do my siblings. Pooda’s other grandparents live in another state and her father has no siblings. So sometimes it IS just us three. We are all we got. I never want her to forget that either…

Our friends are not always there for us when we need them the most and that is when you realize, sometimes you are more of a friend to other people than they are a friend to you. There is a quote that says, in summary, if you cannot deal with me at my worst, then you do not deserve me at my best. Every time I have tried to talk with someone I THOUGHT was close to me and they give off the vibe that this is not the conversation they want to have, I remember that quote. From the outside looking in, I might not appear to be “at my worst” but mentally, I know I am.

If we are REAL friends, you should at least have the balls to say “hey, I don’t know how to respond to this”. Completely brushing it off as if it is of no concern though? That lets me know where we stand. I have never desired to have friends who are not FULLY supportive so this shedding period has probably been long past due. We all want different things out of friendships but this is essential for me. Talking to Amber and Ann gave me the necessary clarity to just move the fuck on and away from these people.

They might be perfect friends to someone else but it is time for me to let go. I would say it is nothing personal but…it is. I am at a different place in life right now and I need people around me that understand that. If they do not want to see me walk away, they will communicate like the adults they are. If their level of comfort is more important, THAT, I will not take personal.  How could I when my level of comfort is SO important right now?

Amber is about to have her second son and she gave me the assurance I have been trying to swallow…it DOES get better. She said I might not walk away from this with EVERYTHING I desire but you cannot have it all. I knew that because logically, how could you not? But when it comes to how you FEEL, logic sometimes gets thrown out of the window. Sure it is easy to say “GET THE FUCK OVER IT!” but it is not that easy to do. MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS CHANGED…in two years. One day people will fully grasp that…

I was making good money at my job, driving the vehicle of my dreams, eating out whenever and wherever I wanted, taking trips out of town, picking up entire tabs when me and my friends would go out, buying clothes/shoes whenever I wanted, dating whoever I wanted, and other stuff that made my life SEEM grand.

ALL of that has changed…I am living the COMPLETE opposite of EVERYTHING I mentioned above. Anyone who says it is not that serious…is delusional. I had been independent for 13 years; moved out at 16 yrs old and been taking care of myself since then. There was no going back and forth to my parents financially or emotionally. So imagine what having to depend on someone else NOW would do to someone…while I have this tiny person who needs 100% of me. Yes, there is someone else going through a more terrible ordeal than I but the flip side to that is, there is someone else experiencing a better life than what I am living. Sorrow, pain, and adversity is all relative….

ALL pain feels the same…it hurts…regardless of it being a knife wound or a gun shot.

I will never downplay anyones anguish…so please do not downplay mine. If you cannot deal, just go away. We will both be better off.

So here is to improved mental health :-D

about MY postpartum depression...

I had a great doctor that looked out for me while I was pregnant. She could sense things about me and my pregnancy without me ever saying anything. It was uncomfortable for someone I barely knew to be so empathetic to what I was going through. I passed it off as her just doing her job and being good at it.

She always asked me how I felt about my pregnancy and I gave her very vague responses because…I did not know her. Every visit though, she would tell me that if I needed to talk about ANYTHING, she was there and to just call her. I had a pretty complicated pregnancy too; my daughter was 100% fine the entire time though.

However, my body was not adjusting because of other things that were going. Anytime I would call her about the complications though, she would call me back within 5-10 minutes…no matter how small the complication was. Several times she called me just to check on me. During those times, she would always ask if I was okay and if I needed to talk. Of course because I did not really know her, I always said, “I’m good but thanks for asking”.

After I had the baby, I had to take this test to see if I was headed down the road of postpartum depression. I tucked the test away because I figured if I did not focus on that, it would not happen. She repeatedly asked if I took the test and I finally did. I lied on the test because…I was embarrassed. As I sit here typing, I wish I had not.

She asked me several times after the test if I had been honest and I lied every single time. 

I figured, back then, that maybe this depression thing was all in mind, no pun intended. Any time I mentioned it to someone I always got the same responses:

• you’re better than that
• you’re not really depressed
• you’re strong enough to get over that
• oh please!

The only people who actually took my concerns seriously were two people who were thousands of miles away from me…my mother and my sister. I have never missed them so much. This is not something I can deal with over the phone or through an email. I need my mother and my sister….

I think that some people see who I was before my daughter and think that I should automatically have stayed that way. Having a child is a HUGE life changing experience and if a simulation existed that could allow people to even relate a little bit, I would suggest EVERYONE test it out. I thought I was strong enough to withstand anything…but I am not.

I wish the people I was closest to understood this…it is not an act. It is not a cry for attention. It is my life and I do not want to keep feeling like this every day but…I do. I worry about my daughter all the time because I just want to be a good mother to her but I feel other things too. It is a neverending cycle that I sometimes sit and attempt to solve…but I do not think straight all the time. A large portion of my daily thoughts are how and what I can do to MAKE myself end this.

Asking for help from people who do not understand this is sometimes like speaking Spanish to someone who only hears English. Some people genuinely feel there is nothing they can do to help someone in this state. 

I look at my daughter and see how independent she is and it pains me. She does not even like anyone to hold her hand…much like me. I just want her to know that it is okay to ask for help and KEEP asking until you get what you need. I did not KEEP asking for help and it put me in this predicament. Now, when I ask for help, it is not received well and I am misunderstood. Maybe I am not conveying my thoughts as well as I once did but I am actively trying.

ALL of this is new to me…this level of depression…having to depend on someone else…giving up my freedom…raising this tiny, wonderful person who just wants to learn everything from me…and I feel like I have very little to teach her sometimes. It is taking some time for me to adjust and there are days I sit and just pray for help…

I guess the good that can come out of this is…whoever cannot deal with me at my worst will fade out of my life. My only hope is that the people who claim to love me the most, stick with me while I make my way through this.

trying not to neglect blogger anymore...

I intended to come back and post on Blogger but I have a love/hate relationship with it.

There are a lot of things/people I have been separating myself from since Babybottoms was conceived. Accepting that people you once cared for, do not have your best interest at heart...hurts.

But...moving forward...I am back to submerging myself in my writing. I am in my 30's now and one day closer to my goals I had dreamed up in my 20's. I have had some MAJOR, difficult life changes; some things I have had a constant battle with every day...other things I have grasped and never looked back.

I am grateful for ALL of the life experiences I have had in the last two years. It has started the process of filtering I was putting off for a while now. The things I attempted to change, thinking it was going to make me a better person, I found out are the things I need to keep the same.

I have just been living :)

So now, I am moving forward, living my life to the best of my ability. They say your 30's are supposed to be fun so that is what I am looking forward to. Spending my days with people who matter...with those who love me and my little family UNCONDITIONALLY. I know that is not an easy task to take on for ANYONE because it requires patience and learning every day. However, this is the stage of life I am at and I am excited to get to my future :)

about love...

I posted this on my tumblr earlier this week but I figured this would be a good blog to break my Blogger Sabbatical with. Enjoy and comment as much as you like :)

There are tons of individuals looking for love, day in and day out. I am truly amazed at how many search for love when the basis for it is in the same book they herald as the gospel.

So, I was a little shocked to see Reverend Run say, “What is love??? Love is like a rumor. Ppl talk about it„ but no1 truly knows 4 sure”. Being a reverend, who believes in the Bible, I would have thought he would have used this opportunity to tell people what love REALLY is about. He IS married to a woman he loves…right?

The Bible pulls no punches about WHAT love is though.

“Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…” - 1 Cor. 13:4-8a (New World Translation)

Even if you do not use the Bible as a point of reference, many of us have been at that same point where we were frustrated with love…because we were experiencing all the things it was not. So, if you can decipher what love IS NOT, you should be able to understand what IT IS. However, what I have seen is a lot of people so focused on making sure the other person involved abides by the rules of love, that they do not practice it themselves.

At some point we have all wanted to be loved or to love someone we felt was special. If someone asked me what love was, I would be able to tell them because I love myself and that is where it always starts. Maybe that is the real issue…maybe some of us feel we do not really KNOW love because we have not mastered love of self before we try to love and be loved by someone else. I would never claim that loving anyone is easy as breathing but if you are looking for it, you cannot do it selfishly and it requires A LOT of patience.

So no, love is not like a rumor, where people talk about it but they do not know for sure. People KNOW…they just might not want to do everything it takes to actually experience what it really is. Maybe if some people were more honest with themselves about who they are, they could see that.

P. S. - Reverend Run has 1,660,087 people following him that he tweeted that quoted statement above, to. I sincerely hope that those who respect what he has to say also have the ability to think for themselves. Everything that people of influence tells us, is not always accurate.

My Self Imposed Sabbatical

I am taking a break from other people for the next 90 days.

What I mean by that is, I will be focusing on me and my needs before anyone elses (other than Babybottoms). I have been putting it off for a good year now and my efforts to do it previously were half assed. I don't want to engage in other people's issues/problems...I only want to be concerned about what pertains to me. That sounds mean and callous but it isn't. As a friend, I tend to take on too much in regards to my friends/family and their emotional needs...I refuse to do it anymore. Just as they concern themselves with THEIR problems, I need to follow suit and worry ONLY, about me. I no longer want to carry anyone elses burden, even if it is JUST listening to their drama. I don't want to hear it; it isn't benefiting me and no one is offering me any money to play therapist. So...I am not interacting with anyone on Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook...or Blogger.

This is day 1 of 90 and I am replying to some people in regards to "where are you going". I'm not "going" anywhere. I just need some time to MYSELF. I figure, if the man I live with can give me 90 days to sort through some necessary things, surely everyone else can, right? And if they/you can't, we probably needed to go our separate ways anyway. This was not brought on by anyone in particular so there is no blame to cast.

I will be updating other things, like Babybottoms blog and my fitness blog but that is about it. These are a couple things that my time will be focused on and in order for me to move forward with my goals,  I will write about them. I want to come back refreshed, renewed, and rejuvenated (all those words kind of mean the same but so what...it sounded good in my mind). I encourage anyone who needs a break and can take one, to do so. See you on Day 91 if you're still around! :)

She'll Be One Soon!

Can you believe Babybottoms is going to be ONE YEAR OLD on 9/27? Twelve months sure did zoom by! She's maturing at a pretty quick pace and being doggedly independent (much like her ma). My baby is still a baby but fighting me every day to be a big girl. No one is more proud of her than me and her father. 

So, with that being said, I know there are some people who have grown close to her and want to share her first full year of life with her on her special day. However, we are not throwing her a birthday. This is in no way a reflection of what we feel you should do with your child. For one, we aren't really big "birthday" people and...Babybottoms is turning ONE...not 13, 16, 21, or 30. What happens on 9/27/10, she will forget all about when she wakes up on 9/28/10. With that being the case, we just wanted to spend that day with her...by ourselves.

Is that asking too much? I mean, not only is it affordable but it would mean more to us. When she came into this world, it was just me and daddy there. So until she expresses that she wants a party, which will probably be once she starts making friends, it'll more than likely just be us 3. Before anyone starts giving all the reasons as to WHY we should have a party, don't. I've heard all of those reasons since the moment I started telling people I was pregnant.

I just feel like...you're allowed to throw your kid a big, expensive, extravagant party and you don't want anyone telling you that you're wasting money so...let us do our thing over here. Each family operates differently; children can't miss something they've never had. I have no problem with children having parties and if my friends invited me to their kids event, I would more than likely come. I just don't like being made to feel like "because everyone does it" is why I should do it.  No, we're not mean ass parents who don't want Logan to have any fun. We just do things differently.

I mean, people are acting like I'm committing a sin before God because I haven't prepared a party, sent out invitations, and registered her for gifts. Everyone who claims to be important to our family should know her birthday and if they don't, they can ask. If they want to get her a gift for her birthday, they can. We aren't opposed to that either. We're just not having a party. What is so difficult to understand about that?

So for anyone who cares to know...my baby girl will be ONE, next Monday. Feel free to wish her another happy year of life :)

About Taylor Swift

*sigh* my people, my people...when are we going to stop taking up for people simply because we like them? If right is right and wrong is wrong, why would you totally disregard the fact that Kanye jumping on the stage to speak his mind INAPPROPRIATELY is UNACCEPTABLE? I don't give a damn if it was some bum on the street giving a speech at the VMA's...people need to KNOW their place and stay in it.

I mean, seriously, are you going to tell me that if we were at a ceremony and you were awarded something that I PERSONALLY felt should have gone to someone else, it is okay for me to INTERRUPT your "shine time" to state MY OPINION? Because contrary to what any of the blind sycophants want to say, THAT WAS KANYE'S OPINION. But it is alright because it is Kanye? All of you who think that, are full of shat and if your child EVER makes valedictorian, I will make it my personal business to ruin their day when they graduate from high school and college. My opinion should matter too, right? WRONG

If we want to talk about what she DESERVED, who are YOU OR KANYE to say she didn't deserve it? Yes, I wrote about this last year when it happened but the level of ignorance that ran through my timeline when the VMA's aired this year disturbed me. It showed me that for certain celebrities AND to blend in with "the cool kids", people will cosign on f*cking foolishness. Seriously, who actually knows what Taylor Swift has accomplished? For those of you who think that Kanye "made her career", read below. F*cking clowns...

• at 14 years of age, she became the youngest person EVER to be signed as a professional songwriter at Sony/ATV Publishing; she signed her first deal before she could drive
• at 17, she became the youngest person to single-handedly write and sing a #1 country hit entirely on her own
• since 11/2008 her album, FEARLESS, has spent more weeks at #1 on Billboard's ALL-GENRE Top 200 chart THAN ANY OTHER ALBUM THIS DECADE and helped sell more albums in 2008 and 2009 than any other artist, in any genre of music
• she is the FIRST country artist IN THE HISTORY OF SOUNDSCAN to have NOT ONE, BUT TWO SINGLES reach #1 on the Pop Chart
• her FEARLESS Tour sold out every show in minutes, INCLUDING EVERY SEAT IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN...in 60 seconds
• she is the FIRST country artist to receive a "Moon Man" award
• the first artist to receive the Academy of Country Music's "Crystal Milestone Award" was Garth Brooks; she is the second
• she is the youngest artist to EVER win the 2009 American Music Award for Artist of the Year, and the 2009 CMA Award for Entertainer of the Year
• FEARLESS has reached Gold and Platinum status in 14 countries spanning 5 continents

  

Do you know how old she is as of today? Taylor Swift is 20 years old. Do the math. She didn't NEED Kanye to boost her career; she was well on her way. Music has been HER LIFE...just like the woman Kanye FELT should have gotten the award.

The BIG issue I have with all of these f*ck ass opinions in regards to her being immature and childish by writing a song that was assumed to be about Kanye is...NO ONE COMPLAINS ABOUT THESE DUMB ASS RAPPERS DOING THE SAME THING. If we're even going to call this a diss track, Hit Em Up and Ether are ALWAYS being heralded as two of THE BEST diss tracks EVER recorded. But she gets called immature...right. You all make SO much sense. Also, it was immature for her to retaliate against someone who obviously didn't care enough to give a f*ck in the first place? Yeah, a year later isn't my style but this gets filed under cause and effect folks. Go ahead and say it...it's because she sings country music that she isn't allowed to write diss tracks. Why are you paying attention to the genre of music she excels in now? You didn't give two flying f*cks about that when you were busy attributing her success to a man too arrogant to realize he needed to have some tact and keep his ass in his seat during an awards ceremony.

So no, Kanye didn't say what EVERYONE else was thinking. He said what YOU were thinking because YOU either didn't know ANYTHING about her accomplishments or...you're just biased as f*ck and give certain people passes to act an ass. 

I see people complain and rant about others being too lazy to use the internet for this and that...yet I heard nor saw anyone do ANY research on Taylor. You don't have to care about her or the genre of music she sells but at least be respectful and stop talking out the side of your damn neck. You wouldn't want anyone downplaying your life accomplishments and I can guarantee that EVERYONE reading this has not done ANYTHING even remotely as impressive as what she did at 14...myself included. 

Have some respect people...that's all I'm saying. RESPECT THE CRAFT...and other people's hard work.

You Ain't About That Beyonce Life. Sit Down.

I am probably one the most honest Beyonce fans alive and it is because I am not offended by the fact that she is manufactured. If you say that out loud in a room full of her psycho stans though, you are liable to catch a hate crime kind of beat down. Let us be serious for a second though…are you going to tell me that she was not created to appease the mass appeal for glamour?

Do not lie to yourself and think otherwise.

I have been a Beyonce Gisselle fan since she uttered her first “No, No, No”. I have 2 copies of EVERY Destiny’s Child cd, as well as, her solo projects. When her mother was doing her hair and styling her wardrobe, I was part of her loyal fan base. I HATED a lot of those outfits and her hair? Let us just say, I am thankful she took that full-time job from her mother and gave it to someone else. She did not always have that style women/girls covet today. What we see today was necessary in order to retain a fan base that actually spends money. 

If you are REALLY a fan you should know a little about someone you obsess over, right? So about her husband…considering her family and how she was raised do you really think that she would date someone with Shawn Carter’s REAL history, if she was a normie? I do not know too many women TODAY who would WILLINGLY date a man who tells the world that he used to sell cocaine and that is basically how he started his empire. Most women are too afraid of that lifestyle to deal with men like that…but THAT is her husband. Even though she does not speak much on her dating history, we know this is the man she has allowed the media to attach her to for the last 10 years. She also does not acknowledge any former boyfriends. So does anyone else really count? No.

Pooda Bear’s dad and I have technically been with each other for the last 4 years. We are CONSTANTLY being barraged by family about when we are going to get married. Who in the f*ck rushed Beyonce and Shawn? They have been involved with each other in some “close” capacity for a LONG ASS TIME. Her life might not really be what you want, dears. I do not know too many women who would do 4 years like me, let alone the 8 years Bey went through before Shawn DECIDED to put a ring on it.

However, so MANY girls/women listen to Put A Ring On It and because Beyonce said to MAKE him do it, men are being “bullied” into settling down. Be realistic. If that was your random, nobody ass friend telling you to make him settle down if he really wants you and her dude did not wife her up for 8 years, you would give her a side eye. Mentally, you would have told her all kinds of shut the f*ck ups AND disregarded her advice. But because it is Beyonce…you listen and apply.

I think a lot of girls/women get sucked into the glamour of WHO she is. Often, it is forgotten that some of the things she does are more so career moves…not necessarily what she would do if she was a “regular” woman working a simple 9-5 in Texas. This is where the problem enters for all the normies. You can definitely aspire to be Beyonce/Sasha but if you think for one second you can maintain any sense of normalcy to your life, you are wrong.

Guys get a bad rap for trying to emulate these rap stars but I look at it no different than women who sit around listening to Beyonce all day. While some of her lyrics MIGHT really be part of her life, a lot of it is created to entertain the public. Honestly, could you really deal with her life? Just like her husband is cut from a different cloth, so is she. Beyonce could probably get on Twitter right now and rant about something Shawn has done to piss her off. Does she? No because she is not about THAT life…which is probably more similar to your normal ass life. She has a brand/image to protect and doing typical women things would be a distraction to HER main goal…getting that guap.

Some people say her alter ego is some bullsh*t and that is who she REALLY is. I definitely think there is a part of her psyche that likes the freeness Sasha allows her but it is believable that she might really be shy. Hollywood will eat you up and spit you out if you have a docile demeanor. They constantly want you to prove you deserve to be where you are in the limelight. When she wakes up, before one foot comes out of that bed, she has to accept that her life is not normal. Being Sasha could be more of a coping mechanism than anyone realizes.

However, aren’t we normal people told that being someone in one setting and being a totally different person with other people is two-faced? You see why this behavior could only work with a celebrity? My whole point in writing this is to say do not get sucked up in these peoples lives. They are paid to entertain you and I. They can no longer live the life we have and we could not possibly live their life, unless we had money. When you become famous, your priorities change. You have to decide if you want the fame, money, and intrusiveness that comes with that territory…or if you want to go back to the simple life.

If you choose that life, there are LOTS of things you have to let go of. You see, no one is interested in me today because I am no one to them…and neither are you. If by chance, I woke up tomorrow with my face on the cover of Vogue, Elle, People, and US and $100 million in my bank account, EVERYTHING would have to change. I instantly become one of the most interesting people in the world.

Whatever you want in life, you must prepare for that BEFORE you get it. I think a lot of people disregard all that “training” Beyonce did before actually “getting on”. It was preparation for the life she lives today. Granted, I am sure there are some things that came as a total surprise to her but her ability to adjust while being in the public eye is impeccable. I admire her because she keeps her eye on the prize WHILE doing something she loves. She has distractions just like the rest of us because she is human but HOW she deals with them is a trait we could all learn from.

So, the next time you listen to one of her songs, see her on a red carpet, or wish you had her relationship, remember, there is always a trade off…her life is no more perfect than yours or mine. She just has money…and if money was not everything, why would you even want to be her? Something to think about...

She's Not Cute. Why Is He With Her?

Many people are guilty of looking at a relationship and if one of the people are not what we deem as attractive, rhetorically asking, "Ugh! Why is he even with her?" I am sure some men do this too but for the most part, you hear women say it, as if being "pretty" is the only reason someone could possibly BE with someone else. I have said it before but I know better than to REALLY believe this is the only reason a man could possibly love and marry a woman. Sometimes the most successful relationships are with people who aren't beauty queens or stunning charmers. People who don't spend ALL of their free time on "looking good" have time to work on other endearing, everlasting qualities like AND...their personalities.

When I have said it, I can honestly say I was joking because I know better. However, I am beginning to think that some women are dead ass serious when making this statement. It makes me a little concerned. I see all of these blogs, tweets, articles, etc. written about women having problems finding men. Could it be because your focus is on the wrong thing? If you are over 25 and looking to get into a serious relationship, whether you are male or female, your main concern should be how someone is going to treat you. I think it should be a big concern if you are under 25 but most people in that age bracket aren't trying to settle down with one person so your relationship priorities tend to be different.

Seriously, if your biggest concern is "why is he with her? she's fat/ugly/can't dress/etc", you might not need to be in a relationship at all. Could it be that he actually loves her? Isn't that what's most important? I hear and see so many people CLAIM they want a man/woman but what they are projecting doesn't say that. It says "I want someone to show off to my family and friends". As you mature, you find out that having a "trophy" for a relationship isn't all it's cracked up to be. That's some high school shat.
If you're an outsider looking in, there is a plethora of things you'll never be privy to that makes those two people think the world of each other. I wish people would get that. This quick blog was prompted by the recent antics of Mr. Clifford Harris. Everyone has an opinion (myself included) about his recent f*ckery from last night. In the midst of all the monkey chatter, some people mentioned that he needed drugs to deal with his ugly ass wife. Really? 1) what does her level of attraction have to do with their overall stupidity and 2) stick to the topic; they've been together for damn near 10 years, if he was really tripping off how she looks, he would have been gave her the boot. Apparently, he isn't as shallow as you baby pool wading muthasuckas.

Just Pray?

The topics of "prayer", "being guided by God/Jesus", and "faith" have continuously resurfaced in my conversations with others. Some people have attempted to start conversations about this through email, others have lightly touched on it through face to face interaction. It is usually the older, more religious individuals that I have heard THE most ridiculous "advice" from in regards to living your life "appropriately". Granted, there are a few blinded people my age who have allowed other blind people to lead them but that is neither here nor there.

I understand that people need things to anchor them to their beliefs but to be illogical about life itself? That's foolishness to me. Within the last two weeks I have read/heard the following:

• if you were living the life God wanted you to live, you would have a job by now
• the recession isn't real; you should pray more, that will improve your financial situation
• the Bible says (insert misquoted scripture here) and if you're doing contrary, that is where your problems lie
• let go and let God, that's ALL you have to do; you haven't put your problems in God's hands and that's why things are this way for you
• blah, blah, blah, maybe you just aren't trying hard enough

  

Honestly, how does anyone think this is going to help someone? The truth is, bad things happen to good people EVERYDAY, regardless of their religious affiliation OR how many times they pray a day. I don't know any religion that advocates praying more than Muslims and look at what is happening over in the Middle East...where they pray all day, every day. So explain that idiots. Wait, I'm sure some non-Muslim is going to say that they aren't serving the RIGHT God and that is why they are experiencing "difficulties".

Seriously, what would all of these people do without religion? What would be your life anchor? What would you tell people they need to do to achieve better life results? Would you be able to offer ANY advice worth listening to? Probably not because ALL of the advice they have to give is attached to a scripture or a religious belief. This is retarded to me because any adult human being should be able to be uplifting, regardless of their beliefs. 

You can't just pray EVERYTHING away. I don't want anyone interpreting anything I've written here as me not believing in God. Don't ever do that, please. I believe in a higher being just as much as the next person. I just believe that sometimes people allow their BELIEFS to make them say stupid shat to other people. If you have time to dissect someone elses life in an effort to tell them what they're doing wrong, have you done the same to yourself? Most of the time, the main people telling someone else they need to get their life right with God have the biggest rafters floating in their eye. If you read the Bible, you'll recognize that reference. I'm just tired of people separating sins and having a pile of their own that they set off to the side because they aren't "as bad" as what someone else is doing.

All of these people know judging others is wrong as two left shoes but they still do it...especially when something isn't going according to their plan in life. However, if you REALLY believed that God/Jesus has already designed a plan for each and every one of us, what are you getting upset for in the first place? If you TRULY believed in the same shat you're trying to force down other people's throats, anything good OR bad that happens to you was in God's plan. Right? Or does that not apply to you? Just other people? Oh ok.

This is how I look at life and I've looked at it like this since I was about 10 years old...we can play semantics all day but I believe we all have our destiny's. Whether we choose to embrace them is an entirely different thing. God gave us free will and what kind of entity would he be to get upset with us for ACTUALLY exercising it? Would you really serve someone who tells you that you have a choice and then smack you when you choose what you want? 

Free will is about choosing what YOU want to do with YOUR life. Say you want to lose a certain amount of weight within a year. Would you JUST pray to God every day to lose that weight? According to the above logic, that's ALL you have to do is pray it away! So sit on your ass and God is going to make it happen for you BECAUSE your wish is his command. Really? If you believe this you're clearly delusional. It takes work on your part; continuous, hard work IN THE GYM (or however else you intend to shed the weight). However, THIS is what some people want others to believe. I call bullshat. We all have to work hard for ANYTHING we want, in addition to whatever religious beliefs we also subscribe to.

Bottom line is, if I am REALLY living my life all that wrong and EVERYTHING in the Bible is the truth, God will deal with me as he sees fit...he'll also deal with you too.  

Ironically, Jay-Z's song Pray came on as I was about to hit "Publish Post".  

What's Your Deal Breakers?

The thing I LOVE the most about Babybottoms dad is that I learn something new about him every day. You would think after 4 years of constantly being in each others face, this would get old but he manages to stay interesting to me. It is a feat not accomplished by many men and I am very grateful for it. I don't think that he stays interesting specifically for me...he just happens to be an intriguing guy. Kinda like the Dos Equis guy...

Moving on, because this isn't about him...we got on the topic of household finances the other day and he interrupted our discussion to tell me something that completely turns him off to some women. In the 4 years that I have known him, I only viewed it as a personal preference of his but he made it VERY clear that any interest he might have had will die when he hears certain words. Thankfully, it isn't anything I would EVER say or do, so I'm safe.

But it got me to thinking...what are some deal breakers as far as my relationships go? I know EVERYONE has them but it is interesting to actually hear other people's. So that's what this blog is about. What are your deal breakers? I'll go first :)

DEAL BREAKERS

• having no ambition

I would never break up with someone because they lost their job. I would never NOT date anyone because they don't have A job. However, I will shoot you the deuces if you aren't going anywhere in life and there are no evident signs that you even want to do better. To me, that translates into laziness. Even the most lamest of lames have goals and if a guy has NONE that he is working towards, I can't fool with him. If you start out appearing to have ambition and you lose it along the way, I'm out. Sounds mean but some guys bounce if their chick gains 2 lbs. This is FAR more serious than a 2 lb weight gain.

• being a horrible liar

If you've been reading my blog for a while, I am sure you are well aware of my stance on liars. I despise them, especially those who lie about stupid shat. As I have gotten older, my tolerance for liars has shifted. If you put some creative spin on a lie and can master manipulating and mindf*cking someone, I still think you might be a douchebag but it tells me you have a skill. In the business world, this is an appreciated attribute. Just don't try to use it on me. Horrible liars don't retrace their steps properly, end up causing FAR more damage than telling the truth would have and just irritate the hell out of me. Being lied to without finesse is insulting to me. If you're gonna lie, at least get me to believe it, jackass.

• trying to change me

NEWSFLASH: I will NEVER change for you.

I am a firm believer in "take me as I am". If you don't like something about me, it's ok. I'm not in the least bit offended. Everything isn't for everybody. However, don't try to play me like you're all enthralled with all things Syn and then when you have me trapped in a "relationship", want to sit down and have a talk. Talk about what? The answer is NO. Yes, before you can even get anything out...if it has to do with something that was the same when you decided you wanted more than a friendship, that becomes YOUR problem. If I decide to  change, it will ALWAYS be on my terms. Is that unfair? No, because I accepted you and I have NEVER dated ANYONE who was perfect. He might have thought so in his mind but he probably is STILL sadly mistaken.

• whining

Just something about a man who whines...does absolutely nothing for me but make me want to smack him in the face with a belt, Pooty Tang style. My mother's side of the family has whining BAD and most of the women have little girl voices so imagine how irritating that is. My dad NEVER gave us anything if we whined for it. Sometimes I think that was his way of feeling some sense of comfort about punishing someone for whining, since he couldn't punish my mom. I have grown to hate it as much as him. Seriously though, I feel it isn't masculine at all and I might try to rearrange your voicebox in your sleep if you think it's cool to whine. In order to stay out of jail, I'll just tell you "this isn't working". You don't have to be in the hospital and I don't have to be incarcerated. It works for both of us.

But enough about me...what are YOUR deal breakers? :) 

It Was All Good Just A Week Ago...

Some friendships do last 'forever' and I don't think anyone enters any friendship thinking to themselves, "oh, I'm only going to tolerate this mofo for a year and then I'm on to the next one". When friendships fizzle, both parties go through their moments of wondering what went wrong. Some people blame the other person 100% for the loss, others blame themselves. Then there are those who take the "reason, season" approach; they appreciate the time they did have and easily move on and away from said friend to go experience friendship with someone else.

From what I have observed, the friendships that hurt the most when you lose them are those that were actually built on what you believed to be a sturdy foundation because you'd been friends for SO long. There is this misconception that just because you are close enough to label one another "best friend" that you ALWAYS have to be in that persons life. You don't. Things fall apart sometimes and close friends can become enemies. 

I'm currently seeing this happen with one of my friends. They've been friends with someone for over 20 years but they cannot even mention this persons name without a tinge of disgust in their voice. I totally understand the reasoning behind it but if I had to say which one was wrong, I'd say both are. One of the individuals has decided to move on and not discuss any of their feelings about their friend, WITH their friend. The other party involved chooses to express themselves through status messages, tweets, and pretending their other friendships are so much more important. Both people are just hurting each other even more; which makes their friendship deteriorate further. 

For some, it becomes a blow to their pride to admit when they're wrong, jealous, hurt, or just don't like how they're being treated. Women tend to be able to do this easier but most men...they don't want to be looked at as acting like a chick so they'll let their friendship die. All in an effort to preserve an ego that probably caused their friendship to start crumbling in the first place.

I have been here before and I don't desire to go back. No matter how irritating it might be to someone, I will let them know when I have a problem. I don't feel like the demise of a friendship should come as a shock to anyone. Respect that person you heralded as a friend to let them know what's going on from your point of view. It does matter. If you were both in it to win it at some point, the least you can do is let that be known. After you let so much time pass, pretending not to care, it turns EXACTLY into you NOT caring. You become indifferent and that persons feelings are no longer even important to you...when "just a week ago" you would have defended them.

Long, meaningful relationships are worth attempting to save. The nature of your friendship might change but you don't have to "lose" a friend due to differences and misunderstandings; that's what communication is for. So, if you gave a damn about this person "just a week ago", let them know. Real friends are able to get pass bumps in the road. If you can't manage to do that, then maybe you weren't that good of friends to begin with... 

Perception is Becoming EVERYTHING

Perception isn't everything but it is becoming that way.

I was the biggest advocate for never fully relying on what you perceive to be the case. However, society is beginning to rely more on the internet than actual interaction with each other. This changes things and it forces everyone to rely on what we project to others about ourselves. Anyone who tries to skate around this issue is asking for trouble. The written word has ALWAYS been JUST as powerful as the spoken word. There are SO many people who claim to believe in the positive manifesting itself if you speak it but their sometimey asses will TOTALLY disregard the negative they throw out into the universe. Life doesn't work like this folks.

One thing that has remained a constant is...the universe will continue to give you back whatever you put out there. It doesn't change because YOUR definition of it changes. I bring this up because of a conversation Babybottoms father and I were having. We were discussing Twitter. Up until this particular conversation, he always felt I was putting my cape on for Twitter and it was a useless forum of oversharing on EVERYONE'S behalf (even though he uses Facebook, go figure). I decided the best way for him to understand where the appeal in it laid for me was to put it in his "terms". Twitter is a big social experiment. I am interested in how the mind works and I get to SEE that on Twitter. Regardless of the bullshat excuses people give about 140-160 characters not defining them as a person...sorry, but it does.

People will unfollow you over those 140-160 characters because they become clear indicators of your personality. It doesn't take a rocket scientist or a psychologist to figure out that some people are faking, doing too much, flat out lying, sharing too much information, or just being themselves. I don't mind someone assessing my character based off of what I tweet because they are all things I would say "in real life". I don't get online and turn into a totally different person that I have to debate with someone about who I REALLY am. If I tweeted it, I stand by it. Now if you would like more detail than the 140-160 characters I gave you, I have no problem giving you that. If I want to be better understood, I should be open to anyone questioning what I have to say.

So one of the things Babybottom's father and I discussed was how others are perceived. I told him there are some people who do the COMPLETE opposite of what they tweet and it makes me lose respect for them as human beings. I can't support someone who quotes Bible scriptures and inspirational/motivational quotes ALL DAY LONG about how people should live their lives but they aren't applying even half of what they're tweeting. It IS fake and the best word to describe that is: HYPOCRITE.

I understand that we are all human and we err. However, I would never tell someone how a man is supposed to treat them and then be letting my man treat me crazy as hell...and then tweet about it. I will only result in people continuing to follow me so they can laugh at me and my retarded ass life. I don't desire to be a mockery of any kind with my life so what you see is 100% what you'll get out of me. Anything you decide to post online IMMEDIATELY becomes a representative of who you are and if you don't believe that, you need to exit the stage NOW. If you don't want people to think that THIS IS YOU, don't write it. You can't explain your way out of your own words simply because it's a social network you chose to overshare on. You said it so either stand by your words or shut up.

However, there are a lot of people who see this differently. We are all entitled to our opinions on this subject but come on...be serious. If you don't believe in what you're saying/tweeting/tumbling/blogging, how do you EVER expect ANYONE to take you seriously? I see people tweet ridiculous crap ALL day and then say they have no real friends and no one cares about them when they really need people the most. Look at what you're projecting though. If you're constantly telling people WHAT you are and they decide to believe you, you can't be mad at anyone but yourself. I just wish people would use the internet responsibly and stop acting like bratty ass children when their life is shown to them. 

If someone took your online life and played it on projection screen for all of your family and friends to see, could you honestly say you would be proud of the things you have put out there for EVERYONE to see? I  sincerely hope so because if you can't, maybe you need to evaluate what you display to the general public...who doesn't know or really care about you.

Perception shouldn't be EVERYTHING but the more we submerge ourselves into the online culture, we have no choice but to accept the majority of people believe it is. Surf and share responsibly, adults :)

Kanye West: Power

I cannot wait until his new 'album' comes out. I love listening to his mind. As insufferable as he can be, I can't help feeling like he's honestly genuine with everything he says and does. I think he would STILL be this person even if he didn't have money because he has this insatiable desire to win at everything. At times, I feel he has a lot of maturing to do but at 30+, I figure, this is just who he is. I LOVE when people are their organic selves despite the opinions of others. This isn't to say I agree with EVERYTHING he does; he can be a bit of an egotistical brat but if removing that meant losing the genius, he can be his bratty ass self all day.

As for the "moving portrait", I don't have anything deep to tell anyone about it. I think from a creative aspect, no one else is doing this...in videos. You can see some directing like this in movies though (see: 300). He gets an A+ for implementing a directorial style that isn't widely used. While watching the video though, I get the feeling that this is how he dreams. He's just dramatic across the board. 

From the Outside Looking In

Sycophantic behavior disgusts me.

I see a lot of it when it comes to random people's views on celebrity relationships. In my last blog, I spoke on adultery being wrong no matter who commits it...even if it is one of your favorite artist. What I am talking about in this post is all the ass kissing of other people's relationships because they APPEAR to be perfect. It has become OBVIOUSLY clear that people are grossly concerned with how things LOOK, versus how they really are. Yes, we're told that image is EVERYTHING but if you have nothing real to go home to, is that REALLY your idea of EVERYTHING? You have nothing, actually.

There are so many women who claimed they wanted a relationship like Nas and Kelis. How cute they were whenever they were seen out together. How their looks complimented one another and blah, blah, blah. I bet none of you asskissers wish you had their relationship now. It wasn't like Nas or Kelis woke up one day and decided, oh, I hate him/her and now, I'm going to act a fool and make their life miserable. I have no doubt in my mind that they had some good times in their relationship but what a lot of people fail to take into consideration is, it is NEVER what it seems. Their relationship required work just like anyone elses. When they didn't want to work at it anymore, it failed.

Sure, you can get surface information in regards to someones relationship but only those two people intimately involved know in full depth, what goes on. 

What I have been seeing since I was a kid, with relationships, is people putting more emphasis on APPEARING perfect versus actually working on your relationship to be healthy. My mother and father used to do this idiotic shat all the time and I vowed to myself that if I EVER took any man serious enough to spend more time than usual with, I wouldn't make their mistake. You're allowed to be upset at your significant other if they do something that upsets you and vice versa. I'm not saying you have to walk outside with your mood all over your face but presenting an image as if NOTHING is ever wrong? It only makes people get in your business even more when something DOES go wrong. If your main focus is the "look of it all", your relationship was doomed the minute it began. Relationships are HARD work; you will have your glorious ups but you'll also have moments when you get irritated by one another and need your space. It's normal and that is life. Thinking it is going to be nothing but cute photo ops to post on Facebook and Twitter is a mistake.

I see women comment on how they would LOVE to have what Jay-Z and Beyonce have...how Will & Jada are doing the damn thing and so in love...I can keep listing relationships that women envy ALL day. It still doesn't mean that YOU'LL ever have EXACTLY what they have. I don't think these women consider ALL the hard work that goes into having THEIR relationship either. Just because Beyonce is smiling in 99% of the pictures with Sean, that doesn't mean she wasn't at home upset because he was doing something inappropriate or vice versa. WE don't know; all we see are their smiles, none of their cries. You don't see the "cries" until the shat hits the fan and it becomes a public spectacle. Then everyone's tone changes and it becomes a pointing finger game about who was wrong in a relationship that isn't even ANY of your business or mine.

Sure, Will & Jada have been married over 10 years and still appear to be VERY much in love but...who knows what they've been through during those 10+ years? So many people say they want THEIR relationship but those same people think open relationships are a load of horse dung. Well, that is one of the things they contribute to having a good marriage, amongst being best friends, and having a mutual respect that they do not desire from anyone else. My bad though, none of you "need to be seen" women can deal with that though, right? An open relationship allows THEM to be together; this isn't saying it's going to work for you but if you would smile at their relationship and say they are to be admired, you can't ignore WHAT makes it work FOR THEM. They aren't concerned about judgmental, conventional opinions of their marriage. ALL of the relationships that I've seen fail have been based on a traditional, conventional point of view. As far as I'M concerned, if they got it right doing something different, good for THEM.

Even Chris Brown and Rhianna...they were everyone's favorite couple, it was all love and "they're so cute together!" "I want a guy to look at me like Chris looks at her" and blah f*cking blah...until it got 'real'. Then EVERYONE forgot how in love they LOOKED and it turned into "he never loved her because if he did..." "young people always think they're in love when it's just lust" and more blah f*cking blah. REAL relationships are not like light switches; you aren't happily ON one day and within 24 hrs depressingly OFF with the ON switch nowhere in sight. Even when negative things happen, you STILL feel for that person...if you REALLY loved them in the first place.

From the general public, I see all of these demands for what one wants in a relationship but I never hear anyone saying how they would make their relationship work. Look at the basis of your relationship, the foundation, and if it was built on lust, having a good time, fantasies, delusions of grandeur, and daydreams, it will more than likely crumble. If your relationship was mainly built on hard work, friendship, love, honesty, and other redeemable qualities that come in handy when you're actually going through something with the person, you have a better chance of withstanding any tough times. Sadly, a LOT of relationships aren't "what can I do for you", they are more "what can YOU do for ME". Everyone needs balance because you should never be giving so much of yourself that you aren't getting anything or taking so much that you aren't giving anything of substantial value.

Balance is the key with anything you do in life. Once things get a little tilted in favor of one side, you'll more than likely see some problems and that is how you end up having altercations in your otherwise "perfect" relationship. How you come out of those altercations is what matters in the end. I think what people need to start doing is stop looking at other individuals lives and do what works best for them. To the more conventional, traditional mind, how I choose to live my life sometimes doesn't make sense. Even though I have given myself structure where needed, I don't box myself in with other peoples ideals of how life should be. Life changes EVERYDAY. What I was doing this time 2 years ago is VERY different than what I am doing today and it will be different tomorrow. I adjust my life where necessary and I just keep living it.

I think if people want to be in a relationship with someone that they think is perfect for them, they should make sure that they're doing everything to keep it that way. Selfishly holding on to a vision that requires the other person to work harder at dealing with you isn't going to give you a perfect anything. You'll end up separated and living your life without that person...much like the 'failed' celebrity relationships that were once idolized.